I'm scared.

I really am.

I don't know if I'm ready, or when I'll be ready, to try for our second baby. All I know is that I want more children, but our journey to parenthood was so physically and emotionally exhausting for me that my fear of history repeating itself is stopping me from trying again.

I was recently speaking with my psychologist about this.

I said, "I'm scared of having another miscarriage, I'm scared of having another molar pregnancy, I'm scared of bleeding in the first trimester again and I'm scared that my contamination OCD is going to come back."

But, that's not all my fears.

I'm scared of the birth too.

I don't know if I want to try for a VBAC or have an elective caesarean. I'm scared of having another caesarean but I'm also scared of the risks of a VBAC. I'm scared of having a retained placenta again or having another stressful breastfeeding journey.

I'm scared of becoming depressed again and I'm scared of not feeling instant love for my baby - again.

As I began unpacking these fears with her, she said to me "Tiana, you have to understand that you have trauma associated with almost every stage of having a baby - from conception, to pregnancy, to birth and postpartum."

"And during your pregnancy, every time you experienced fear of contamination, you experienced trauma again."

I was literally stuck in a trauma cycle which, for my OCD, was triggered every time I went to make a meal or touch almost anything. It was so exhausting.

And as much as I wish I could say "next time will be different - I will be different" - it's not that simple. OCD is part of who I am. Anxiety is part of who I am. I can't just "switch it off" and go on my merry way. And there's a very real chance that I'll experience these things again in another pregnancy.

I understand so much of pregnancy is - on a physical level - out of our control. I can't control whether or not I experience another molar pregnancy and miscarry - not one bit. But, I know that I'm 10 times more likely to have another one - compared to someone who has never had one before.

And that's scary.

Because of my history, I understandably don't like statistics. They are almost always unsuccessful at comforting me.

And that's where my fears of a VBAC come in. Yes, I know - uterine rupture during labour after a caesarean is rare.

But you know what else is rare? A molar pregnancy.

If anything, it makes me feel like I'm almost guaranteed to be the one person out of 100* whose uterus would rupture during a VBAC.

*Don't quote me on this - I've read so many different things that I don't know what the most accurate statistic is.

And if you're reading this thinking "You need to relax" or "Stop worrying so much", then respectfully, you don't understand anxiety.

In my experience, the only thing that truly helps me calm down - is being on the other side of it. And at that point, I can reflect and realise "Wow, everything was okay in the end - I didn't need to worry so much after all."

But it doesn't really change anything, because I know there will be a time where I'm faced with another anxiety - and the only thing I take away from past experiences is that I know I will get through it.

So, I know I will eventually start trying to conceive again - but I don't know when, and that's okay. Part of me just wants to surrender entirely and trust that everything will happen in the perfect timing, and that anything that happens along the way was meant to be.

I would honestly love to think that way. And I do, sometimes - when it comes to other things - but this... this is hard. The fear is so real that me actively trying to conceive means that I'm deciding to open myself up to potential loss, heartbreak, compulsions, depression and crippling anxiety, again.

I want to give pregnancy another go. I want to try to enjoy it next time - but nothing can guarantee that.

However, what I can do is put strategies in place to make sure I have the support I need - like continuing to regularly see my psychologist, for example. But that's all I can kind of think of for now.

Healing takes time. And time heals.

Despite everything that happened, I'm now living my best life with my little bestie by my side. Despite not feeling much love for Eloise when she was born, I am absolutely obsessed with her now. I love her with my whole heart.

And if history does repeat itself, I know that I will heal with time and eventually, I'll have another little bestie holding my other hand and everything that happened along the way would have been totally worth it.

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